Notes On Divorce

Technological advances have certainly changed the way we communicate in our relationships. A new study from the Canadian Wireless Telecommunications Association (www.cwta) reports that on average, Canadians sent almost 2,500 text messages every second last year. That’s a total of 78 billion messages annually; a 40% increase over 2010. Over 103 million photos, videos and pictures were also sent during that same time period. While many social scientists wonder how these new methods of communication will affect future relationships and people’s abilities to relate to one another, it’s already having an impact on communication around divorce.

There’s no doubt that separation and divorce are now played out in the social media world. Status updates, relationship breakups, new relationships; personal lives are on full public display. Sometimes this social messaging can lead to the actual break up or shockingly, can be the way someone finds out that the relationship has ended. This certainly can be a negative aspect to social media. Finding out that a marriage is over by seeing the status change on Facebook certainly can set the stage for rocky post-separation communication. However, the use of text messaging can have some surprising benefits, particularly when communicating with your former spouse.

Although there are many questions being asked about the negative impact of social media on the human dynamics; in my experience in dealing with divorcing couples, I’ve seen first hand how these new ways to communicate can actually be helpful when dealing with relationships severed by separation and divorce.

For example, in higher conflict situations, I now see couples that don’t have to talk face-to-face or on the phone with their formal spouse nearly as much. Using text messaging can allow people to stick to the business at hand, without getting into the emotion. They can also choose ‘when’ to respond to messages. Where telephone conversations can sometimes lead to heated arguments; by using text messaging or email, one has a chance to think through their response, thus minimizing the escalation of conflict.

In the past, many arguments have been played out on the driveway or at the front door when parents drop off or pick up children. Now with many other sources of communications, there is little need to have this damaging dialogue in front of the children.

SMS and email are also making it easier for divorced parents to stay connected with the day-to-day happenings with their children. More and more parents are relying on regular text messages to update one another on schedules, drop offs, school events, homework, and even the helpful reminder that “today is the field trip and Jimmy needs to bring his skates to school”. These messages can be very effective in co-parenting though the years of their children’s busiest schedules.

And children themselves are using more technology to stay connected to their parents. Today’s family-bundled smartphone plans allow kids to stay connected to mom even when they are at dad’s house and vice versa. When one parent travels with children, technology allows them to stay better connected to their other parent. There is less risk of ‘losing’ touch when communication can happen anywhere. For example, using SKYPE can help younger children be close to their other parent when travelling and this can significantly reduce stress for younger children. Sending video or posting pictures can also be effective ways for kids to stay in touch with parents if one parent travels a lot or lives far away. You may have missed the graduation because you live 3,000 miles away, but you don’t have to wait for the annual summer visit to catch up.

There’s no doubt our society has become pretty comfortable with being ‘on-line’. Time will tell whether all this ‘chatter’ is actually improving our ability to communicate and understand each other. But when used effectively, text messaging and other social media can actually improve post-separation/divorce communication. They certainly have given new meaning to our ability to ‘keep in touch’ while building our new separate lives apart.

 

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Although the holidays are supposed to be filled with love, family time and joy, this time of year can be very challenging for couples on the verge of separating. It’s a well-known fact that more divorces get started in January than any other month of the year. Since it’s rare that the decision to separate is made on the spur of the moment, this means most couples who are struggling in their relationships have already discussed separating and are just ‘hanging on’ until the holidays are over.

Many couples with children express that they want to wait until after the holidays before separating in order to protect their children. Christmas is supposed to be a festive time and they don’t want to ruin it for their kids. This is certainly a personal decision that can make a lot of sense, but sometimes just ‘knowing’ this decision can be challenging as you look to survive this busy period of being ‘together’.

How to give the gift of ‘hanging in there’, while you are hanging on

Safety first: You should make sure there are no concerns around safety, the possibility of violence or intense conflict. If you have these concerns – then you should seek professional help immediately.

Know your limits: Knowing that you are both putting on a false front, limiting your engagements might be a good idea. Sit down with your spouse and look at all of your obligations/commitments. Maybe this is the year to cut back on some of the extra visits and parties. With everyone putting on a shield to ‘pretend’, recognize that you may only have so much energy in your shield to face relatives. Most people feel totally stretched during the holidays already, so give yourselves permission to make excuses not to attend some gatherings.

To tell or not tell: So should you tell the children? While this is an individual choice for parents to make together, most parents tell us that they don’t want to spoil the holidays for the kids. Their concern is that the kids will forever remember the separation and associate it with the holiday season. It’s ok to postpone telling the kids until the time is right. Seek professional help from a counselor or divorce mediator in order to ensure you use the right language when telling the kids. There are quite a number of books and recommending readings for parents facing separation. Even if you’ve already made the difficult decision that you are going to separate next year, you can seek professional advice now in order to help you with preparing for that difficult conversation.

Curtail the urge to over spend: Sit down with one another and take a hard look at your financial situation. It is tempting to over indulge the kids out of a feeling of guilt. But if you are carrying credit card and line of credit balances, now is not the time to add more stress to your life. Dramatic financial changes are on the horizon; so it’s key to keep the spending within the limits of what you can afford. Be creative with gift giving. Remember that children are more likely to appreciate honesty. “Look, I know you really want this item, but I don’t think we are going to be able to swing it this year”.

Make time off the gift of ‘presence’: You’re about to spend 4 or 5 days off work - together. Try to plan child-focused activities. Let’s face it - if you know this is going to be the last Christmas together, you can approach that with a sense of dread, or make the most of it with a positive attitude. Giving your children the gift of your time, whether it’s tobogganing, skating, games, movie nights; will create some positive, long lasting memories.

No fight zone: If you’ve already decided to separate next month, make a pact NOT to talk about it during the holidays. Limbo is the most difficult part of change and most people want to ease this pain by digging into the research, the planning and the financial calculating of what will happen next. Since you are not going to be able to actually solve any of these problems during the holidays, agree that you won’t talk about the house, the finances, the children’s parenting schedule until the new year. You certainly don’t want your kids to remember this Christmas as the year mom and dad were fighting all the time.

Peace of mind: Preparing is good, we all want certainty about our future. But stressful emotions can cloud our ability to think clearly. And it can get worse by working with the wrong information or hearsay. So here’s an idea. Give yourself an early Christmas present by seeking professional help and guidance on the pending financial and parenting questions, to help you and your family with a smooth transition through this difficult time.

For couples contemplating a separation, the holidays can be a very difficult time. ‘Faking it’ can be difficult, but if you’ve decided it’s best to wait, you can make it through. Knowing in your heart that you did your best for your children is a good spot to be in. And a great place to find peace and joy this season.

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Being in Limbo – not knowing where one will be in the near future, whether it’s 3 months or 3 weeks, has got to be one of the most stressful stages of any life change – and especially in separation and divorce.

As human beings, we like to have a sense of control and security. So when the human brain is under stress, the ‘fight or flight’ mode is fully engaged. Our sense of equilibrium is shaky. We can easily become emotionally hijacked and we don’t have access to our rational brain.

So how do you calm the fearful ‘lizard’ brain when you’re passing through the limbo phase of a separation and divorce? Here are 10 suggestions for getting through the next few months:

1. Regain some perspective – if only to recognize that your life IS turned totally upside down. Think of a time in the past when you faced a difficult challenge in your life. How did you overcome it? Using those past experiences where you faced challenges and were able to learn from them may help you.

2. Make a money/budget action plan – determine who is going to pay which bills and by when. Nothing causes more stress during Limbo then worrying about how the bills are going to get paid. You will gain some security in knowing that everything is covered – and you’ll save your credit rating.

3. Create a list of expenses - so that you know exactly the budget or amount of money you have available on a monthly basis once the necessary bills are paid. It can be a sobering reality check – but better to know then not. As a split couple, you now have the same amount of money to spread over two households. Now is not the time to stick your head in the sand.

4. Let’s talk about debt – take a look at credit lines and credit cards and have a conversation around setting limits or freezing them altogether. This is also not the time for unnecessary spending – and the Christmas period can be extremely tough on our desires to please and our guilt around ‘separate Christmases’.

5. Awareness – accept that is this a difficult time. In fact, divorce is ranked the second most stressful event in a person’s life. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel but find productive ways of relieving the stress.

6. Calm the lizard brain – breathe, breathe, breathe. Scientists know that when people are anxious, they tend to take rapid, shallow breaths that come directly from the chest. This type of shallow breathing can cause an imbalance if the oxygen and carbon dioxide in your system resulting in increased anxiety.

7. Create a Mantra - Never underestimate the power of suggestion and positive messages. Come up with a simple saying that will help you get through those tough moments. Post it on your computer screen, your mirror, on your night table; wherever you can to remind yourself that you will get through this.

8. Find a support network – think about who your support people are and ask yourself: do I feel better when I leave their presence or do I feel worse? If the answer is I feel positive, empowered, optimistic, heard then I say keep doing what you’re doing. If you feel drained, angry, frustrated, then maybe you should rethink the effect that relationship is having on you at this moment. Taking a break from a friend who simply fuels the fire doesn’t mean you have to abandon them forever (although sometimes that does happen); rather that you really think about who are the people who bring positive energy to your life.

9. Do something that makes you feel good – I had a client recently tell me that he donated blood for the first time in 15 years. And that it made him feel good about helping someone. Sometimes a good deed can be the exact shift in energy that creates momentum for other positive events.

10. Reclaim your power – even when your ex is driving you crazy. You can’t control what someone else says or does, only how you choose to react to it. So acknowledge that and then reclaim your power to move through this challenging time in a way that is helpful for you.

You may not be able to control the fact that this life change is happening to you. Maybe you don’t really want the separation and that can be devastating as you grieve the loss of what you thought your life was going to be. But with a little help from yourself and your friends, you can get through the limbo phase and emerge stronger and more self-assured.

Peace

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The thing about divorce is that for most people, it shakes them to the core. Everything they thought their life was going to be has suddenly changed. It feels as if the carpet has been pulled out from under them and, as a result, everyone feels a real loss of control - about their entire life! Your financial future has uncertainty, you might be facing a move, a change in jobs or re-entering the work force after years of being home caring for children. It’s no wonder people grasp to regain ‘control’.

Children and parenting are areas where control tends to become a huge issue. It’s natural to be afraid of losing connection with your children. Transitioning from naturally being a part of their everyday lives - to having to schedule time spent with them and sharing that time with your former spouse can feel like an extreme loss of control. However, the mistake often made, is looking at the schedule as ‘fair must mean equal’ and ‘equal means exact sharing of time’. The problem is this: THERE ARE SEVEN DAYS IN A WEEK! Which means sharing doesn’t and can’t always be exactly 50-50.

It’s easy to make the children’s schedule into another fight for control. Perhaps you’ve found yourself angrily thinking; “They are my children too, I have the right to half time with them”, or fearfully worrying, “I won’t stay connected to them if I don’t have them 50/50. I want shared custody”.

Ok - let’s demystify this explosive and destructive word ‘custody’. Custody doesn’t mean possession – it means decision-making, as in care, safe keeping, guardianship. Period. It doesn’t have anything to do with who sleeps where, when. That’s what a schedule is for. Custody is about how the parents see working together to make decisions about schooling, medical care, childcare, extra-curricular activities – all of those decisions that parents make when raising children.

When I ask parents “what’s most important to you?”, they almost universally answer with something like: “I want to be a part of my child’s life. I don’t want to lose the connection I have with them”. So let me ask you this: think back to your own childhood - what percentage of your childhood did you spend with your father vs your mother? Was it 70-30, 60-40, 50-50?

If you think back to what percentage of time you spent with your mother vs the time spent with your father when you were growing up, you likely can’t answer that accurately. Why? Because as humans, we measure time by the experiences we’ve had, or the memories we recall - not by the calendar or the clock. Children retell: “remember when dad would…’ or ‘remember when we went with mom to…”

This doesn’t mean that some families aren’t able to work out a plan that shares time fairly equally. Studies have clearly shown that parents should work hard to ensure children have the opportunity to spend lots of quality time with both parents. But what it does mean is that measuring success as equal 50/50 time split will likely set up the battlegrounds of a difficult transition. You are measuring the wrong thing. Quality time is what’s important – not quantity.

Let’s remember - you are getting a divorce from your spouse, you are not divorcing your children. So working out a schedule really can be as individual as each family’s circumstances and needs. There is no ‘one size fits all’ solution, nor ‘one way’ to do it. What’s key is that parents work together to figure out what’s best for the children in order to minimize the impact of divorce on their children. There is no greater way to shake your children’s sense of security than putting them in the middle of your tug-for-control.

Forget about 50/50. Rather, look at it through the eyes of your children. Also, consider what is reasonable and doable from your work schedules as well. If you set up a schedule that doesn’t make for the best you, how can you be at your best for your children? Look for the opportunity to spend time with your children in a way that has the minimum disruption for them and that allows you the maximum quality time together.

And unfortunately, there are some parents who have the misconception that if they can have the children half the time, they won’t be required to pay as much in child support. Maybe so, maybe not. It really depends on several factors, including your spouse’s situation, the standard of living in each home, incomes etc. So if you set the stage of shared parenting based solely around money – you could be disappointed at the outcome.

So when entering into discussion about parenting and your children’s schedules, remember that if it isn’t doable to have exactly shared time (and if someone could figure out how to cut seven in half without fracturing up our children’s lives, please let me know) – that’s not going to make or break your relationship with your children. They will remember the things you did together, the experiences you’ve shared; not the number of nights they slept at your house. Spend your energy creating quality, not fighting over quantity. Focus on ‘whole’ solutions, not the fractions.

Peace

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